We all get spam mail. There’s no avoiding it. (Though if someone could please figure out a way to eliminate spam robo calls on our cellphones, we’d be forever grateful.) 

Spam is mostly annoying and intrusive. But sometimes…spam gives you a gift.

A few weeks ago, we got an email purportedly from a would-be “guest blogger.” 

It wasn’t from a real person at all – it was spam. Hilariously, the same spammer hit several of our friends with almost identical emails…except that the list of suggested blog post topics had been tweaked for each of us.

Grace Nuth received the rather existential suggested topic of “Top 10 Grace Nuth Fairy tales.”

Shveta Thakrar (who does not have a blog) was warmly congratulated on her blog and received the suggested topic of “Top 5 Fiction Books For Teens To Read in 2020.”

And us? Our suggested topics included:

• “To 5 Witches Books to Read in Lockdown” 
• “The 10 horror Books for Teens” 
• “The Top 10 fairytales to read in 2021” ( ← not how you spell fairy tales, btw)
• “The Best 15 vampire romance Books To Read at Christmas”

We all had a good cackle about this via WhatApp… and it snowballed into brainstorming names for vampire Christmas romances. (What can we say, we love puns.)

So we decided to take this spammer’s suggestion to heart and write a blog post. Please note that these are not real novels and are intended as parody and good fun! (No shade to romance readers and writers! We love you!)

Without further ado, we bring you The Best 10 Vampire Romance Books To Read at Christmas! (Because we think 10 is quite enough!) Thanks, spammer!

Slay Bells by Wanda Sizzle – The last thing in the world Judith Blude wanted was to become immortal… but that’s exactly what happened when she was bitten at a holiday party back when she was just twenty. She’s been on the hunt for years to kill the vampire who made her into the abomination she feels she is… but she never expected to find her running sleigh rides for children at a ski resort?! Christmas-obsessed Vanessa Dracule, the gorgeous, red-headed horse enthusiast, isn’t at all the vamp Judith had in mind… but she might be exactly the vamp Judith needs. 

Unholy Night by Brame Staker – Vampire Princess Mina doesn’t believe in true love, no matter what her best friend Lucy says, not after what happened to her first boyfriend (Lucy may have killed him, it’s a long story.) True love just isn’t something that happens for vampires! But when both dashing, earnest Jonathan and brooding, sexy Drac start vying for her attention, she might just have to rethink her position… after all, there’s no time like Christmas Eve for the unexpected! 

Carol of the Nine Hells by Vanessa Ivy – Danny wants to be a vampire more than anything, just like his idol, Virgil Cullen. One whirlwind Christmas Eve, Virgil decides to show Danny exactly what it’s really like being a vampire… the blood, horror, and pain of it all. But hardened Virgil could never have anticipated how much fun being a vampire could be with Danny… or how hell can become heaven with the right person. Carol of the Nine Hells will have you believing in the (demonic) magic of Christmas again!

A Coffin for Christmas by Les Louis – Coffins are EXPENSIVE nowadays, and when you’re a newly-turned vampire, you don’t have a lot of options! Luc – who was living on ramen noodles before the fatal bite – isn’t sure what he’s going to do. He can only break into the funeral home so many times before someone catches him, and he’s pretty sure Shana – the gorgeous director – knows something’s up. Shana has her own secrets though… and maybe even a holiday surprise for Luc! 

Silver (Bullet) Bells by Barnabas Shollins – It’s Christmastime in the city, but this Christmas will definitely be unique! For one thing, it’s a full moon, and Samantha Dire – the alpha queen of the werewolves – is looking for a mate for the holidays. When she falls for Eric Angel, she thinks she’s found the perfect supernatural sweetheart… but misunderstandings abound, and she’s shocked when she discovers he’s NOT a werewolf at all – he’s a vampire! Desperate to make it through the holidays without anyone catching on to her mistake, Sam convinces Eric to pretend he’s a wolf. You’ll be delighted at the hilarious hijinks that ensue… and the steamy romance that unfolds between two people (?) who couldn’t be more different. 

Santa Claws by Liddy O’Coffine – A cat! 1000 years as a vampire, and Carmilla Mircalla has the misfortune to cross a witch right before the holidays and get transformed into a cute, fuzzy, black kitten. Ridiculous! The only way to break the spell, in the tradition of witches, is a true love’s kiss… or bite as the case may be. But who on earth could love a feisty vampire kitten?! Fortunately for Carmilla, a kitten might be exactly what Laura Styria’s lonely Christmas needs.

Green and Red as Blood by Simona Salvatore – The holidays are always crazy for up-and-coming fashion designer Debra Cutting, but when a new investor insists on changing all her designs at the last minute, she’s at a total loss. Capes? Nowadays?? Miles Orlock insists he knows what the people want… but what can someone who keeps no mirrors possibly know about fashion? Still, there’s something intriguing about the guy… and Debra still needs a date to the MET’s Winter Ball!

Bite of Figgy Pudding (and Me) by Johannes Polidori – It’s Christmastime at Villa Diodati, but Aubrey is feeling anything but cheerful. Employed as a manny to the elusive Lord Riven’s (illegitimate?) children, all he can think of is how much he wishes the Lord would look on him as more than a friend. But George Riven has secrets of his own, and if Aubrey knew how much he was hiding, would he really think of him in the same way? There’s only one way to find out. Bite of Figgy Pudding (and Me) is a whole new kind of vampire story from new writer Johannes Polidori!

Christmas Stakings by Staketa Biterar – Vampire hunter Candy Kane is in no mood for romance this Christmas. After a mistake on a routine job, she is given just 24 hours to kill the notorious vampire San Ta by Christmas Eve… or be executed by the vengeful slayer mafia! When she finally finds her target, she’s shocked to discover this vamp has a heart… and a bag full of presents for orphaned children! Could romance be in Candy’s future after all? Or will this be the last time San Ta comes to town? (Book title contributed by Shveta Thakrar!)

Season’s Bleedings by Noel Hearththrob – Career-minded Abigail Van Helsing is home for the holidays, but all she wants for Christmas is a boyfriend! The mysterious Christmas tree salesman Valentino Treeman might fit the bill, but will the perfect Christmas present be a kiss under the mistletoe… or a stake through the heart?! Find out in this new holiday romance novel by award-wanting author Noel Hearththrob. (Contributed by Jared Jones!)

BONUS!

We also have these two songs, contributed by husbands of the group!

“Slay bells ring. Are you listening?
In the crypt, blood is glistening.
A ghastly red sight, 
We’re happy tonight,
Van Helsing in a winter wonderland.”
– By Jared Jones, Sara’s Husband

and

“God rest ye merry gentlemen
In coffins underground;
Then fly by night as bats
Guiding your path by sound;
To exsanguinate humankind 
In every fairground;
Ohhh tidings of bloody joy, bloody joy!”
– By Tom Strong, Meenoo Mishra’s Husband

We hope you enjoy this silliness as much as we do! We’d love to see more suggestions in the comments if you’re feeling creative ;).

We’re going on a break for a few weeks, but we’ll be back in January! Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, and we wish you all much magic and fun as 2020 (finally) draws to a close!