What Do You DO When Things Are Scary?

August 13, 2024

Last week, we had our monthly fairy-tale salon, a kind of insiders discussion group inspired by the salons of fairy-tale writers in 17th-century France. (We meet every month on Zoom via our Patreon, and anyone is welcome to join! You can sign up here to join us next time.)

The topic? What to do when things are scary.

Can you tell we were feeling the weight of the political moment when we wrote the conversation prompt?

Thankfully, joyfully, shockingly, by the time salon rolled around, things were shifting on the national stage (#coconutpilled), but this is honestly a very human question that isn’t tethered to one moment or one challenge.

Being a human in the world can be scary, for all kinds of reasons.

Things we know for sure though: 1) we (Sara and Brittany) do not have all the answers and 2) the moments that feel the scariest are when leaning into community helps the most, in both a practical and emotional sense.

And our salonnieres? They brought it. We were blown away by their wisdom and the sheer variety of strategies they shared with us.

They’ve given us permission to share a summary of what we talked about and the incredible insights and suggestions they brought to the table. It’s so good that we’re creating a PDF version that you can print and keep, to refer to whenever The Scaries come for you. Behold –

Ways to Cope When Life Is Scary:

Take a Small Action
- Honestly, the smaller, the better. Donate $5. Text or call a friend who always makes you smile. Go on a walk. VOTE, obviously. One person in the group referred to this as taking “turtle steps,” which we thought was the cutest thing ever. We think taking tiny actions is one of the most powerful things we humans can do, at least on our own. Small actions add up to big actions, especially when we work together.
Do the Things You Really Love
- What is the thing that lights you up most? Go do that. Karaoke. Climbing a mountain. Live art. Cooking your favorite dish. Spending time in a garden.
Mind Your Sensory Triggers (And Your Sensory Glimmers!)
- Notice when certain things set you off and minimize them however you can, whether that’s silencing alerts on your phone, aggressively using earplugs (Sara has become a Loops devotee), wearing sunglasses, whatever it takes to calm things down. Just as importantly, take time to think about things that are a sensory yes, or your “glimmers.” Warm tea, weighted blankets, soft fabrics, whatever makes your body chill out.
Remember That Anticipation > Worry
- We thought this was such a brilliant reframe. Try, as much as you can, to replace worry about the future with anticipation for the things in the future that you’re looking forward to. To plan ahead strategically and look ahead in a good way. Actually schedule stuff that you’re excited about and can look forward to.
Connect
- Many of us instinctively turn inwards when things are rough, but this is actually when it’s most important to reach out, especially to people who really get you and will show up for you. Extra points if you know these people are likely to make you laugh or make you soup.
Listen To Music
- We like this one because it’s comparatively easy to reach for. Music can be incredibly regulating, and it’s almost always at the tips of our fingers. Sara has a playlist called “Calm AF.” Make your own, that fits your taste, whether that’s soothing instrumentals, cathartic metal, or eclectic.
Tap Into Childhood Wisdom
- What did you LOVE when you were a kid? Ice skating? Wearing 5 pounds of costume jewelry? Chocolate chip cookie dough? Climbing trees? Reconnect with that love, however you can. Feel free to adapt it (maybe you’re sitting under a tree instead) but seek out something that used to bring you so much joy.
Read a Book
- Or BOOK ROTTING, as one of our participants said!! Literally no one is surprised by this entry, obviously we are suggesting reading as a coping mechanism for life, so definitely try putting down the phone or at least firing up Audible or however you prefer to read!
Go To a Festival
- We just got back from the Dublin Irish Festival, and we were amazed all over again by how energizing going to a festival (or whatever your community thing is – academic conference, anime/ nerd/ literary convention, SCA event, doesn’t matter what) can be. There’s something about being surrounded by people and energy and music that can be very restorative for the soul.
Be Someone Else for a While
- Just for a little bit, whether it’s through a festival persona or a D&D campaign. It can be surprisingly refreshing!
Go On a Walk
- It’s a cliche for a reason. We all know it’s good for us. If walking isn’t available to you, spending time outside (weather permitting) is also great. Nature is one of the best mood regulators out there.
Engage With Art
- Make it, consume it, be it. Steal time for it if you have to. Support artists and creators that bring you joy.
Cultivate Mental Distance
- Meditation is probably the most commonly recommended avenue for this, but in general things that can get you out of your head for a little while can all be helpful. Body scans, yoga, exercise, and singing are all great for this, too.
Take Your Meds
- If you’re supposed to take them, take ‘em. A crisis is not the time to stop taking them. Set reminders on your phone if it helps.
Seize the Fun!
- This one is really hard for us. But it turns out that real fun (especially when you’re in a flow state) is super important to feeling like a human being. Intentionally seek out situations where you think fun might arise. Catherine Price has a great book called The Power of Fun that’s all about this.
Keep Doing What You’re Already Doing
- When things are rough, it’s so easy to forget all the important, meaningful things you’re already doing. Keep doing them and know that they’re still valuable. (More on this below.)

We love this list so much that we made you a free JPG/PDF of it to print out if you’d like to. It’s hard to remember these things when things are really bad, so we thought a visual reminder might be helpful :). The image is below, click here to download it as a PDF.

We’d like to end with a beautiful poem written by Deborah Sage, reflecting on the salon.

“Remembering the Good You Already Do”
By Deborah Sage

You go to work every day
You vote
You volunteer
You bake cookies
You donate
You hold the hand of someone dying
You care for friends, for family, for strangers
You listen to Beethoven or the Rolling Stones or Florence + The Machine
You write a poem or a letter or a song
You call your mother, your father, your sister, your cousin, your friend
You plant a tree, a garden, or an idea
You pick up the litter someone else dropped
You pack your child’s lunch
You visit a library, a museum, church, mosque or synagogue
You visit someone in the hospital or a nursing home
You share a meal
You let someone go ahead of you in line
You do ballet, hip hop or yoga
You recycle
You sew, weave, embroider or quilt
You teach others to sew, weave, embroider or quilt
You paint, create stained glass, write, cook, read, garden
You teach others to paint, create stained glass, write, cook, read, garden
You sit with the young and the elderly
You go to birthday parties, baby showers, visitations and funerals
You learn a different language, study another culture, travel to a new place
You get in touch with an old friend or a new one
You anticipate good things for the future
You go on retreat
You listen
You care
You take turtle steps
You make the soup*